Marriage

Pray together and take some deep breaths. If you're having a conflict, coming back to the spirit and also trying to remind each other that you're on the same team, that you're not fighting against each other, is very very helpful. You have to be calm to be able to resolve things. You cannot truly be fighting. Discussing and having a desire to understand each other instead of to be understood first.

Sometimes the other person needs time to think about things and to work through things. And just because somebody doesn't want to talk doesn't mean they don't want to fix it. My husband, he often needs time just to work through something and I try not to. I just try to be patient and wait till he's ready to talk about it. Don't blame the other person. Listen to what the other person's doing. And maybe the other, you know, maybe your spouse is in the wrong, but it doesn't help to try and tell them that they're wrong. Sometimes they just know. But yeah, just being patient and knowing how to pick your battles.

I think the advice to not go to bed angry is really silly. I think you know sometimes in conflict we need to recognize when our other feelings and emotions are getting in the way, whether if we're hungry or tired or thirsty or stressed or whatever it may be. And so if we need to take a second to collect our emotions, really understand what we're feeling, and if anything else is influencing that, then I think that's totally great. Even if it means going to bed angry, sometimes you'll wake up the next morning and be like, oh this isn't as big of a deal as I thought it would be. So honestly just take the time to emotionally regulate and to really understand where your emotions are coming from so that you can calmly talk to your spouse about it and so that you can have a level-headed conversation.

So I studied conflict resolution in college and have therein implemented and learned a lot through marriage about conflict resolution. The biggest tip that I can give is to just communicate, communicate, communicate, and to see the other person as a person. Regularly communicating and sharing your frustrations in a calm way using I feel statements is really important, but communicating regularly and making sure that you're talking about the hard things is really important and seeing the other person as a person and approaching all the conflicts from that mentality rather than seeing someone as an object.

Don't take the advice, don't get that angry, just listen to your body, see why you may be feeling that way, whether it's because you're hungry, tired, stressed, there may be a lot more going on than just the thing that you and your husband are arguing about or your spouse or whoever it is. So just make sure that you're being emotionally aware of what's going on so that you can really tackle the issue that is at hand.

If you have stuff that's frustrating you about them, write them all on a big list and then take that list and shred it or throw it away or tear it into pieces. It's a nice symbolic act of catharsis just to say, I'm gonna forget about the things that I'm doing that bothers me. And instead, I'm gonna think about things that I like about them. And you can even sit and take time to write out a genuine, sincere compliment you have of that person. And start to shift your mind in how you view people because your spouse is gonna have things that are terrible and your spouse is gonna have things that are amazing. There's a reason you married them because you thought they were amazing. And so if you're having conflict, just take some time and be honest with how you're feeling and try and focus on what you like about them.

A tip I use with my husband when we do get arguments is limiting the time that we spend frustrated or arguing. If it's still not solved, we take a break and we'll come back to it, but most of the time we never need to come back to it because our emotions are down and the problem isn't as big as we thought it was.

If you guys are in a lot of conflict, there's a chance that part of it is both of you are thinking about yourselves and how you feel and you're focused on your feelings and the fact that you're angry or you're hurt or you're frustrated or they're belittling you or they don't appreciate you and there's just a whole lot of me energy that goes into that. Whereas if we kind of open our hearts and say, okay, I feel this way, how do you feel? When I say stuff like this, it makes you feel like this. And if you do a bit more listening and understanding of what your spouse is saying, whether or not you agree with it, whether or not you agree with what they're saying, just listen and understand and don't go and say, oh, here's the fix to this problem, this problem, this problem, this problem that you said, just sit and listen to how they feel. They'll generally appreciate that. It's a very validating feeling.

When you're really incensed or when your spouse is incensed, you're not able to have rational thought. And so what you want to do first is to give time to calm down. And correcting is not the right time to do it when you're in the phase called the primitive brain, where your emotion is dominant. And so you want to have some time to relax, be calm. And then when you're calm, that's when you can start talking about the issue. But blaming somebody or trying to teach them when they're in that fight or flight mode, the primitive brain, that's not a good time to do it. So make sure that you have an opportunity to diffuse and to relax.

I think the number one solution to any conflict in life is having the courage to say sorry. I know that sometimes our pride will hinder us from moving forward and saying sorry, but I know that when I do that, I feel so much better about myself and about others as well, and you'll feel happier.

I have this phrase, it's magical, I use it on everyone, my kids, my mom, it works so well on me. When my husband says, I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you, will you forgive me? I'm just like, oh, you don't want to hurt me. Oh, okay, we can talk about this issue, I don't mean to get defensive, it's just a thing to figure out. It doesn't admit guilt, it can, you could say, I'm sorry for hurting you, or I'm sorry that I didn't, whatever. It can admit guilt, but it doesn't have to. The person needs to forgive you whether or not you think you did something wrong. They need to forgive you if they're mad at you. Anyway, this can really just change the tone of the conversation.

One of the common challenges with couples when they communicate is that they feel they need to explain themselves in response to another one's explanation. However, this comes across as defensive. When you explain, you're basically acknowledging that you just didn't hear what the other person said. So stop explaining, start listening, and maybe one thing or two things you can do is reflect back what you think the other person is trying to tell you, and that can go a long way to reduce some of the conflict that you may have with each other.

When you start having conflict arise, don't just put it to the side and say, oh it's not a big deal. Talk about it right away so it doesn't build and become a big deal.

So, some conflict resolution tips. One of them that I have is to be okay, like, when going to bed if you're angry at each other. I know that a lot of people say, like, we never go to bed angry, we never end, like, the day being upset. But sometimes, like, when you're trying to work that out, when it's nighttime and you're tired or you're hungry or whatever, it just kind of makes things worse. And I found that usually when I sleep in the morning, I feel fine. I've usually forgotten about what we were even arguing about. And so, like, just know that it's okay to, like, be a little bit upset when you go to bed with each other because most likely in the morning, it will just kind of blow over or you'll have a better, like, you'll be in a better state of mind to talk about what the argument or the conflict was about.